


We Had Everything

by bloomingseulgi



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst, Cancer, Canon Lesbian Relationship, F/F, First Kiss, First Love, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Long Shot, POV First Person, Sad, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-06 01:12:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16822153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloomingseulgi/pseuds/bloomingseulgi
Summary: I would love her forever; even if I didn't want to.





	1. It's Funny, Isn't It?

_No matter how much I want to, I can never forget._

_-_

I was lost in thought. I was too busy thinking about how much money I needed to make by the end of the month to pay Irene's hospital bills, that I forgot I was with Irene. I didn't realize I was crying until I felt my hand (which held Irene's) suddenly get wet. _Great._ Snapping out of my daze, I slowly pulled my hand out of Irene's and wiped my tears. I really hoped Irene didn't awake. She couldn't see me like this, I had to be the strong one for her. I had to hide my tears so she didn't. When Irene was sleeping, she looked peaceful and young -- just like before. And when I'd see her youthful looking face, it was like something inside of me _snapped._ Emotions of sadness and nostalgia would wash over me, coaxing me into tears. Sometimes I didn't realize it was happening; just like then. Irene was once happy -- _we_ were once happy. We weren't always a house of cards, and I don't think we were destined to fall apart. Things just happen, and sometimes things suck. Our fate was to be together, no matter where or when. But even sometimes fate wasn't correct.

I felt a headache start to form, and I began massaging my temples. I had work today; so I couldn't spend the entire day with Irene in the hospital. I sighed and gave Irene a sweet kiss on her forehead (which was cold) and then walked away, out of the uncomfortable white room. I heard her groan in pain, and I knew she had awoken. It took everything in me not to turn around and run back to her and just kiss her, telling her that it was okay and that I was there. But it wasn't okay, and it never would be.

I knew I looked like utter shit when I sat down in my car. My eyes had large, black bags underneath them and the clarity that once was prominent in my stare was replaced with a coat of haziness. I looked fatigued and depressed -- hell, I was the epitome of it. I stared at my reflection in the rearview mirror, and then I bit my lips and started driving away to work. I had slept in the clothes I was wearing, so I sprayed my entire body with some long-lasting deodorant. I was a mess, but my coworkers knew I was too. They'd understand the exhaustion I elicited or the aura of hopelessness I protruded. They were used to it by now, yet I'd never get used to the side-glances they'd steal at me, or the whispers of pity I'd hear behind my back. Sometimes I feel like I would never get used to the way things turned out, no matter how hard I tried. I suddenly felt the urge to cry again, but I swallowed the massive lump in my throat. I was on the verge of tears every second of the day I'd spend awake. I was like a cup filled with water to the brim, and if you picked me up I would overflow. _Oh, how pathetic you are, Seulgi,_ I thought. I tried to ignore my thoughts these days since the truth hurt more than I'd like it to. _Please don't overflow._

-

Once I arrived at work, my friend Yerim walked up to me and gave me a glass of water. Yerim was a true companion of mine, who didn't participate in the useless gossip about me, or the pitying. She just helped me in any way she possibly could, which I was eternally grateful for. But, my emotions weren't evened out. I felt an overwhelming amount of hopelessness, which weighed out any sliver of happiness I'd feel. I was in a constant cycle of either being sad or empty, excluding when I was dreaming. That's why I slept so much, because I got to escape to the world of fiction. Otherwise put, to the world of the past. 

I took the glass of water from Yerim's hands and downed it in one full gulp. I wiped my mouth and glared back at the people staring at me, whom all diverted their eyes when I made eye contact with them. I hated this office, but I hadn't always. I used to love this gray place, with cubicles and bitchy customers, for some reason beyond me. But now? I despised it with every single weak fiber within me. "Seulgi," Yerim said, snapping me out of my trance. I hated when people said my name because it never amounted to the way Irene said it. She said it softly and with yearning, but everybody just stated it without any emotion. Even my name reminded me of her, and soon I felt that lump in my throat grow. 

_Don't. Overflow._ I took a deep breath and swallowed, blinking firmly. 

"Yeah?" I mumbled, my head looking at her immediately.

"Take the day off, okay? Just go home and binge watch something. I'll tell Sooyoung." Yerim asked, with a dark look in her eyes. Yerim was the only person I couldn't read, which is what initially sparked our friendship. I wanted to say no, but I knew I needed it. I needed all of the days off in the world, and then some.

"It's fine, I'll tell Sooyoung." I announced, walking to her office. Sooyoung was our manager, but she insisted people call her by her first name. She was a kind, tall lady with dark brown eyes and short, black hair. Yerim was short (shorter than me) and had dyed blond hair. Her eyes were a soft brown, unlike mine. My eyes were sharp and cold, and if I didn't like something the glare in my brown orbs gave it away. I had long, black hair and I was rather skinny. I had a slightly toned stomach, along with a small nose and thin lips. I looked fierce when I wanted to, but I could be approachable. Just not right now, with my wrinkled clothes, black under eyes, and messy hair. 

Irene, well Irene was just beautiful. She had big, brown eyes that look at the world with curiosity. She has long, wavy black hair that flowed like a calm river down to her chest. Her lips weren't thick, but they were plump. She had a button nose and was overall a very short woman, which is what drew me to her in the first place.

_10 years ago, Age 16_

_I looked around the fair, seeing various kids jump around and smile with glee. I glared at them with utter hatred and jealousy. On my Friday night, I was conducting a game booth, watching all of my peers have the time of their lives. I hated school, and how I had to volunteer for shit. I wasn't even getting paid! I had decided I hated everything._

_While looking around the thickening crowd, I spotted a pretty girl with a group of various folks, making her way toward my game booth. My eyes widened, and I gulped immediately. She was pretty -- too pretty for me. I got up from my stool and cleared my throat, preparing the prices I would say to her and how to play the game. She walked over and smiled immediately, batting her beautiful eyelashes. I swore right then and there, I could have melted._

_I smiled back without even realizing, and then mumbled the words I had been so diligently preparing. My grin didn't falter once._

_"Cool," The beautiful girl said, smiling again. I wanted to collapse into myself. She then suddenly got taller, and I furrowed my eyebrows together. And then I realized, she used the stepping stool meant for little kids._

_She needed a stepping stool to properly play a stupid balloon popping game._

_Oh my god. My heart was going to burst! I was filled with adoration to the brim, and I didn't even know her name. Nor did I realize the other kids with her, because to me they weren't important. At least not to me, because my eyes couldn't peel themselves off of that beautiful girl with her intriguing wide eyes. Time was stopping, and my heart was beating heavily._

_She missed all of her shots. It was adorable. She looked frustrated and embarrassed, like she had been meaning to impress someone. Her friends were howling with laughter and she just blushed cutely, and then they paid me and began to walk away. As she started making her way away from me, I freaked out. No. She couldn't go! I needed to get her name at least. And then maybe her address, last name, and then every little thing about her. "Wait!" I shouted to her, and she turned around a little faster than I had expected her to. Was she excited too?_

_"Yes?" She answered with eyes that seemed pleading. I felt the adrenaline coursing through my veins, and I had no idea why this beautiful girl had my heart beating at the speed of light. I wondered if I did the same to her._

_"H-here." I murmured, reaching for one of the medium prizes off of the shelf. It was a stuffed animal that seemed to resemble a pig, and it was quite adorable. Yet, I couldn't stop thinking about how its cuteness didn't compare to the girl standing right across from me. I gave her the animal, and while she reached out for it our fingers brushed. I felt a jolt of electricity travel up my hand, and soon I felt warmth there. She smiled widely, and a small gasp fell from her beautiful pink lips. Who knew a stupid stuffed animal could make a girl so happy?_

_"Thank you," She began, and then looked at the name tag on my chest, "Seulgi." When my name spilled from her lips, I swore I could've died. The way she said it made me want to run into her arms and hug her. And then die._

_"You're welcome..." I trailed, waiting for her to tell me her name.  
_

_"Irene." She finished. Irene. Of course her name was pretty too! She was the definition of perfect. I smiled widely, and I felt as if my mouth were going to fall off. But, I didn't care -- because she told me her name._

_From that night on, Irene came and visited me every day. Since it was the summer, school wasn't an issue. She would just come to my booth and converse with me, talking about anything that came to her mind. Throughout those short two months, I was entranced. Her life was mesmerizing to me, albeit her experiences at the library wouldn't interest everyone. Nor would the various habits of her cat which she adored so much. I thought she was adorable, more adorable than some stupid cat. And whenever I would talk, she would look at me with interest. She had a certain motive, and it was to listen to me. We were so caught up in each other that the rest of the world didn't matter._

_And on the last day I was working there, we exchanged numbers and met up frequently. Sure, we were taboo! Two girls being that interested in each other was unheard of, unless they were into one another (which we were). We would get judgmental glances when we'd walk down the hallways in school, or when we held hands in public, but we didn't care. We had each other. People expected us to fade away like every summer romance, but we never did. We got stronger over time, and we were soon indestructible. Or so we thought._

I arrived home to our apartment within a few minutes or so, but I wasn't paying attention to the time. I sat down on my couch and turned on a movie I had watched dozens of times, my mind still lingering on the past. Then my eyes traveled across the room until they landed on a picture of Irene and I, at that same fair. It was taken a few years after we met, but we were still together. 

Out of the blue, I started sobbing. Tears frantically rolled down my face at an alarming rate. In between hiccups and sobs, I would mumble Irene's name. I hugged my knees to my chest and just sobbed, the air from my lungs soon turned into chokes. "Irene," I cried, hoping that everything was just a horrible dream. The love of my life, the woman who nobody could take away from me, was dying. And without her, _I might as well die too._


	2. The Feeling of Nothing

_How did it all come down to this?_

_-_

That evening, I arrived at the hospital. I stepped out of my crappy white car and walked slowly to the front doors. Nothing else except Irene was on my mind; the magic of that woman is beyond me. Even when she wasn't the center of my attention, she always roamed in the back of my head. Soon, I walked inside and went up to Irene's room -- 3rd floor, room 323. 

I walked in without knocking just in case Irene was asleep. She wasn't. Instead, she was looking at the television absentmindedly. A smile soon fell onto her face when her eyes met mine, and her brown orbs still had the sparkle. I knew mine did too because whenever the two of us saw one another we just knew we were at some kind of peace. Even if it hurt to be with her, my eyes weren't hazy and cold. They were alive and powerful, albeit ridden with flakes of sadness in them. "Hey, babe." I greeted, smiling warmly. After a shitty day, it was nice to be with Irene. It was like whenever I'd come home from work and see Irene (who always got home before me) and I'd just _relax_. I sat down next to the bed, interlocking our hands.

"Hey, Seulgi. How was your day?" She asked, her eyes glittering among the fluorescent hospital lights. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to lie, but I couldn't. I could lie to anybody except Irene, but when I looked in her eyes and attempted to bluff, I felt like I was going to vomit. I have tried it before, and it didn't work out so well.

_7 years ago, Age 19_

_Irene and I were in the middle of a horror movie marathon. In these kinds of cases, Irene was the scaredy cat. I wasn't complaining though. She'd cuddle up next to me and squeeze me whenever something remotely spooky happened. I liked her holding me and vice versa, it was a nice feeling -- being in her arms._

_I remember the way her face looked. The lights of the television were the only source of brightness, but her pale face illuminated and glimmered with utter beauty. Her dark brown eyes were wide open, and then she'd squeeze them and shut them tight whenever a violent scene would come on. Her lips looked pink, her hair shone gorgeously, and I couldn't help but think that Irene was the embodiment of perfection._

_After we had finished another movie, Irene finally called it quits. I laughed and teased her, but not too much. I was tired as well. It was the summer after we had both graduated from high school, and we had been together for 3 years. She was staying over my house while my parents were out of town, and of course, we were up to something -- but just not tonight. Tonight was the night where we would just enjoy each other, and adore one another's presence._

_The way Irene looked with her short gym shorts and long t-shirt on, I wanted to scream. She was so beautiful and it hurt. I stared at her with admire adamant in my gaze, and she looked back at me and merely smirked. I hoped Irene had loved me just as much as I loved her because she was the woman I wanted to be with forever. She was the woman I wanted to wake up next to, she was the woman I wanted to grow old and gray with._

_Whenever I dealt with a problem, I wanted her to be the person to comfort me and vice versa. I never wanted to leave her side, and although college was approaching, I didn't want to lose her. I wouldn't lose her._

_"Irene," I said suddenly, as unbeknownst courage swallowed me whole._

_"Yeah?" She looked back at me with unknowing eyes._

_The courage disappeared. "Ah, uh never mind." I awkwardly muttered._

_"Nice try, what do you have to say? You can't lie to me, Seul." Irene scolded. I could get nothing past that woman. Silence hung in the air for a bit, as I tried to find the courage that had escaped me so swiftly._ _We were three years into our relationship, of course we had already exchanged our first "I love you"s. But this time it was different._

_"I love you," I stated matter of factly, "and I want to be with you forever."_

_Irene's eyes just squinted into crescents that resembled the moon, because she had smiled. She laughed slightly while shaking her head. None of this was news to her._

_"Oh Seulgi, I know. You think I don't love you as much as you love me, but it's not true." She admitted, her lips slightly pouting and her arms crossing her chest confidently. "I love you very much, I wouldn't be with you if I didn't. You know me! I'm upfront and I don't waste my time. So tell me Seul, why would I waste my time for 3 years?" Oh._

_There was silence._

_"That's thing thing -- I wouldn't. You are not a waste of my time, and I am never going to grow sick of you. Whatever we will do, we'll do it together. Just you and me, okay?" She asked, her eyes looking at me with an expecting aura to them._

_"Okay." I hummed, trying to fight back the smile that was going to seemingly devour my face. I couldn't fight it back anymore and I wore the hugest grin, and she walked up with her short legs and went on her tippy-toes and just kissed me. I kissed back immediately, smiling against it. We may have been young, dumb, and in love, but we weren't willing to give up one another._

_-_

I grinned at the sudden memory. "Today wasn't the best, but it's better now." I said, gazing into her beautiful eyes. She smiled back at me, and for the first time in forever, she sat up. I gasped immediately. "Irene!" I exclaimed, and she just looked at me with her cute eyes. I felt a twinge of joy settle in my heart. Although it wasn't a big accomplishment for most people, it was _huge_ for Irene. She fixed her position and tucked her hair behind her ear.

"I want to go home, Seul. I'm sick of this hospital, I'm sick of these doctors and nurses, I'm sick of being sick. But I'd be much happier if it was in the comfort of my own home." Irene admitted, and I frowned slightly. Where did this sudden strength come from? 

Irene was a determined person though. I figured she had been wanting this for a while, so I gave in. I could never say no to her anyway. 

-

She was discharged in two days. Irene was starting to get her energy back, and I tried my hardest to not get my hopes up. _Inoperable tumor_. But she seems better! _Inoperable tumor._ The words rang in my head during the car ride home, and I just blinked away my tears and kept driving, ignoring the gnawing thoughts in my head. I was good at ignoring my problems, I could just never make them go away.

When we finally arrived home, I helped Irene up the stairs and to the elevator. We lived in a sleek apartment building with a lobby and everything. Everybody who worked at the lobby smiled when they saw Irene, and she returned it with authenticity. I held hands with her and we were in a comfortable silence the whole elevator ride up. We walked out and to our apartment, which wasn't exactly in the best condition. To be quite honest, I had been too depressed to clean up after myself. I was rarely home though, so it wasn't too bad.

Irene looked at the apartment with unsurprising eyes, and just looked at me and smiled. She let go of my hand and started to clean up the place with a sudden burst of energy. I immediately went up to help her, but she told me to go and rest. 

"But-"

"But nothing. You have been so good to me, and I want to be good to you. _Go._ " She demanded, and I smiled awkwardly and rushed to my -- I mean _our_ room.

I collapsed onto my bed and sighed. The initial high of being in the presence of the love of my life soon faded away, and I was soon stuck by myself. Reality sunk in again, and soon I was no longer on the top of the world. That always seemed to happen nowadays, whenever I wasn't distracted by Irene, I was thinking about how doomed she (and I) actually were. My head rested on a pillow, as my body lied down sideways. I rested my arm underneath the pillow my head sat on, and I stared into empty space.

I knew why Irene wanted to come home, but I just didn't wish I knew. I didn't want to know the fact that she knew her days were numbered. I didn't want to know that she came home because she wanted to spend her last days with me, _with her home_. Tears rolled down my face, sideways. They dribbled down the bridge of my nose and temporarily stained the pillow.

"Irene..." I murmured, with little power. Irene, the love of my life, was really dying. It didn't feel real, and I didn't want it to _be_ real. Once I heard the sound of a faucet spewing out water, I knew I could cry with some volume. I sobbed as quietly as possible into the pillow, whatever relief of being with Irene fading away in an instant. "Irene," I stated like it was a fact that Irene is a dying woman. I could say her name an infinite amount of times, but it would never change the fact that _my_ Irene wasn't going to be with me forever. 

Suddenly the sound of the water dripping from the faucet stopped, and the door opened slowly. It creaked uncomfortably but I just kept crying, not strong enough to try and fool Irene into thinking I was okay. What was the point of it anyway? Why did I have to stay strong for her? We're both suffering whether I put up a facade of being fine or not. Her eyes soon welled up with tears, and she lied down and we fit our bodies together like a puzzle. Whenever we cuddled, our forms were just like they were meant to be next to one another. We were made for each other, so I wondered why our fate was so undeniably cruel. She only cried a little, but she just held me as I sobbed endlessly. "I'm not ready to let you go..." I would cry, and I would just hear her hum and stroke the back of my head. It was the truth -- and I don't think I'd ever be ready. But, who would be ready to say goodbye to the _one_ person that could always bring them happiness? Irene and her lame jokes or amazing advice never failed to put a smile on my face, whether it be a small grin or a giant beam. Irene was the person I could always depend on, the person I would _always need._ How could I live without somebody I needed?

After hours of just holding each other, my tears finally were no more. It felt like my body was completely dried out. We were both still awake despite the moon hanging in the sky signifying how late it was, and we detached and sat up. We stared into one another's eyes, and I drowned out the outside world. In that moment it was just us two, and it was just her eyes, and her beautiful face. That was all there was in the world to look at, but the sudden euphoric distraction couldn't stall the truth forever.

"Let's talk," Irene said. She went into the kitchen and prepared hot cocoa for the both of us, like we always did on chilly nights. The end of November was here, and it was getting colder by the second. We both sat across from each other at our kitchen table, quietly sipping our beverages. 

"Seulgi," Irene had finally started and then swallowed, "Seulgi baby--I'm so sorry." 

I knew that was all she could muster, and I just held my hands to the steaming hot mug of hot chocolate, squeezing my eyes shut. "Joohyun." I mumbled, calling her by her real name. Irene was just a nickname, but nobody ever called her Joohyun. I only did when something was really bothering me, or when I was defeated. I saw her jaw clench when I called her by her real name, and her throat bobbled slightly as she swallowed. 

I could not believe that we were finally talking about it. Even though it had been 3 months since she was diagnosed, we never once acknowledged it mutually nor verbally. I remember the initial shock I felt when she told me over dinner on that night, that warm summer night. It was a good day as well, but the fact that she only had 5 months to live kind of ruined it.

-

_"What?" Was all I could muster, and Irene started to cry again. She had to be kidding. No, Irene wouldn't joke about something like this -- she was very superstitious. I remember her complaining of migraines all of the time, so I told her to go checked out by a doctor. I felt partially at fault._

_We both had stuff to tell each other that night. I had kicked off our seemingly lovely dinner with the news that I had gotten a promotion, but I knew something was off when she didn't completely freak out overloaded with joy and only spared a mere grin. I remember how the magic in her smile didn't reach her eyes, and I wish I could forget._

_"I-I..." Irene trailed, sobbing quietly._

_"This can't be real," I stated, hoping what I just said would come true._

_"I'm so sorry, baby..." Irene continued to cry, and then I cried too. So much for that promotion, I thought selfishly. And then I wanted to punch myself in the face a million times because the reality of it sunk in when I googled the symptoms of a brain tumor the next day._

_Irene had fit all of them, hell -- she even handed me the CAT scan she got -- but I didn't want to believe her. That day, I stared at the wedding ring on my finger. The diamonds shining back at me seemed to mock me, and I felt the urge to chuck my ring across the room and forget it ever existed._

_I swallowed the urge to do so and shut my laptop. I lied my hands against my desk and just squeezed my eyes shut, biting my lip harshly. Only one word could come to my mind -- nightmare._

_-_

"Irene." I weakly announced, my voice cracking and threatening to break. Tsunamis of tears threatened to break down the walls I had so meticulously built. Why did I say her name? It just felt so nice to say it -- at least most of the time. Irene looked at me with apprehensive eyes. "I love you." I professed, feeling my eyes get wet. We sat in silence for a moment more, since Irene was deep in thought. Her eyes soon flickered their way back up to meeting mine, and her stare didn't have its usual strength. It was feeble, just like her. The woman whom I had thought was the strongest person in the world even had her feeble moments. That's how I knew how bad it was, that's how I knew it was close to the end.

"Can you promise me something?" Irene asked, scratching the back of her neck. I nodded solemnly, waiting for her to continue. "I want you to move on after I'm gone. I want you to be happy and find someone new, and I want you to never give up. But," Irene admitted, her voice raising slightly at the end, "please stay with me until the end. And when we meet again in some other universe or afterlife, stay with me then. Whatever dimension we end up in, I know it's written in our fate to be together. So please...stay with me until my time is up, and come to me so we can meet again." 

Her words were so heavy. They weighed more than anything I could possibly comprehend. I was obviously going to promise her what she asked for, since it didn't even seem hard to do when it was Irene. But under the circumstances, it hurt so fucking much. All I wanted to do was wake up from this 3-month nightmare, but I knew it wasn't a dream. I couldn't contain my tears. I had no idea how Irene said that clearly, even though she looked like she was about to fall apart. I sobbed violently, my face resting in my hands. It was as if we were a strong, steadily built house with a foundation and a basis. But out of the blue, a storm came and a tree fell onto us and tore the house apart. No, we weren't doomed from the beginning. I knew Irene and I were meant to be together. Irene would die only knowing me as the love of her life. I sucked in a huge breath that exhaled as a long, painful choke. 

"I promise," I huffed between cries. 

-

As we lied in bed that night, our tears had come to a halt. We knew neither of us weren't going to get a wink of sleep, so we just stayed up and talking about our impending fate. Even though urges to cry swept over me, I never gave in. 

"Irene?" I asked, fiddling with my fingers.

"Yeah?" She responded with a slight interest in her voice since the tone I had initiated the conversation with had an odd-esque to it.

"Is there anything else you want to do, before...your time is up?" I questioned, feeling a pain in my heart. My chest was heavy and I was blue, but I didn't want to break down again. Irene pondered the question, staring at the ceiling with unreadable eyes. She shook her head.

"No," Irene finally said after what seemed like an eternity, "there are many things I haven't done and would like to do. But, I found the love of my life. I need no more." 

I could see her smile amid the moonlight, and I smiled back at her too. This time, the smile reached her eyes. I knew she was true, and I felt accomplished right then and there. I felt as if I did enough, or all that I could, for the girl I'd do anything for. And for the first time in a long time, I felt a little bit of peace.


	3. In My Hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hiiii >_< !!! i really hope you enjoyed this little seulrene short story. it's my dream to be an author, so i'd appreciate any feedback/constructive criticism/listing anything you particularly liked. sorry for the shitty plot, i just needed to get my wheels turning. also, if this made you sad, please comment and leave a kudos bc that was my goal!!! thank you all for reading this and there are definitely more seulrene + many other fics to come! <33

_Just because she was my first doesn't mean she has to be my last._

_-_

Time is quite a fleeting thing, isn't it? Once Irene and I finally talked about what had happened, we were much stronger than before. I let myself enjoy the time I'd spend with her, despite our time having an end. I put effort into things, which was completely new. I reverted to my old ways before Irene was diagnosed, and I tried to let everything go. During my free time, I'd spend it productively instead of thinking about the inevitable. 

I was typing a report on my computer when my desk light shone on my diamond ring. I looked down at the beautiful jewelry and smiled slightly, remembering the story behind it.

_Age 22, 4 years ago_

_I felt the sweat in my palms expand at an alarming rate. Irene would be home any minute, and I didn't know if I was actually going to go through with it._

_I knew Irene loved me -- believe me, I did -- but I just didn't know if she was as ready as me. Tonight, I'd take her out to our favorite restaurant and then we'd go back to the carnival where we first met which was open this time of year. And then I would just do it; I'd say those stupid four words and get down on one knee. I hid the ring which was encased in a velvet box in my jacket and smiled when I heard the door open. I walked over to her casually and kissed her sweetly. "Hey, Irene." I greeted, grinning at her._

_"Hey, Seul. How was your day?" Irene asked, and I felt the butterflies in my stomach move around rapidly. I got lost in thought for a bit and responded a bit too slowly, and Irene was intelligent and observant. She knew something was up when I said "fine" and nothing else._

_"Anything happen?" Irene pressed, and I shook my head and created a line with my thin lips. I tossed Irene her jacket and smiled, feeling some confidence seep into me._

_"Nope. I just wanted to go out with you tonight, since its been a while." I grinned, reaching out to grab her hand. She held it gladly and smiled with the familiar twinkle prominent in her irises. Sometimes I just wanted to be with her every second of the day and just stare at her beautiful smile. The way her eyes would turn into crescent-like moons and how her cheeks would puff out, I could stare at her forever._

_When we arrived at the restaurant, we got a table almost immediately. Irene's favorite place wasn't exactly exquisite, it was a mere Italian restaurant in the heart of the city. Over dinner, we conversed and I almost forgot I was going to propose to her until I paid the bill and we walked out of the building. It was a warm July night, and the moon hung in the sky watching over us._

_"We need to go to one more place," I informed, and Irene's eyebrows creased slightly. She pouted her lips adorably and squinted at me, and I just smiled and giggled shyly. The car ride was silent, comfortable, yet exciting. I felt the adrenaline start to form, and I was tempted to increase the speed of the car._

_Irene saw the carnival from about half a mile away, and she laughed incredulously. "Oh my god!" She laughed with glee, her hands pressed to her cheeks. Her eyes lit up like the Ferris wheel in the distance, but I knew her iridescent orbs shone so much brighter.  
_

_I parked the car and felt the nerves deep in my bones. I wasn't going to ditch, not now. I grabbed her hand and we walked into the fair, various teenagers and kids running around recklessly. "That was once us," I mentioned while pointing to a teenage couple making out by the candy booth, "except there was no dude."_

_Irene elicited her trademarked laugh; beautiful and melodic. I felt my heartbeat quicken when we were approaching the booth -- my booth -- and my hands became clammy. Irene looked at me suspiciously when I stopped in front of the balloon popping stand, the exact one I used to work at, and paid the guy working it. I missed all of my shots on purpose and Irene just laughed. "What are you doing?" She giggled, and then I swallowed, sucked it up, and got down on one knee._

_The look on Irene's face changed immediately. It went from glee to shock, and I was terrified. Was it good shock? I had sure hoped so. A crowd started to make its way around us when I started pulling out the ring, and I gulped and prepared my speech. People were laughing and kids were pointing, but Irene's eyes were just wide and she was paler than usual. I ignored everybody and just recited everything I wanted to say._

_"Hey. I know this is kind of awkward and kind of a surprise, but hear me out. So basically, I'm in love with you. Every single time I have a bad day, just being with you makes it so much better. Whenever we fight or bicker, I feel my heart get heavy. I was so fortunate to have worked at this booth right here, because if I didn't volunteer for stupid college credit I would have never met you. It's crazy, right? I think it's crazy, how some stupid balloons and a stuffed animal brought us together. But I owe everything to this booth, that stuffed toy, and to you Irene. I owe it to you. I owe my happiness and confidence to the most beautiful and amazing woman I know. Without you, I'd be lost and wandering, never truly finding where I belong. You, my darling Irene, are the love of my life. I will never find somebody as amazing as you, and I feel like I cannot let you go. We defy all odds. People like to hate us, call us disgusting and unnatural, but we are the exact opposite. We are beautiful, and we are natural! What else is more natural than love? Oh Irene, I love you so much. I don't care what people say about how we aren't meant to be. They don't know us, and they don't know you. I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with someone else...So please Irene, will you marry me?"_

_Silence._

_And then I heard a slight sob, and I looked back up to Irene and saw that she was crying. The strong girl who hated to cry in front of people was bawling her eyes out. I had no idea what to think of it._

_Out of nowhere, Irene started nodding. "Yes," She whispered, "I'll marry you." I felt giddiness fill up my heart. I ran to her and quickly slipped the ring on her finger, and I kissed her and felt her tears against my lips. I didn't realize I was crying as well, but I was, and that was okay. Everything was more than okay in that moment; it was the closest thing to perfection I would ever experience. The crowd cheered which only made me smile more, right then and there was when the world was most beautiful. The shining lights from the Ferris wheel in the distance or the smell of cotton candy in the air, the calming sound of the waves crashing onto the beach that this fair lied on, it sang a serene melody straight to my heart. In front of me stood the woman whom I would never stop loving. "I love you, Kang Seulgi." She professed._

_"I love you, Bae Joohyun," I repeated, and then she smiled. We ran back to our car and laughed the entire way home because we knew that it was just us two from there on out._

_-_

The ring had a mysterious glint to it. I stared at it for a bit longer and then continued my work, hearing Irene watch television in the other room. It was the new year, and winter was in action. The city was covered with snow, and at night I could hear the men putting salt on the streets or driving snow plows. I finally finished my report, and I was eternally grateful that Sooyoung let me stay home today. 

Out of nowhere, I heard something shatter. I sprung up out of my seat and ran into the kitchen, where I saw Irene leaning against the wall. A broken ceramic bowl lied in pieces on the ground next to her, and she thankfully didn't look hurt. I walked toward Irene and grabbed her, as she faltered in my arms. "Seulgi," She muttered, "I don't feel good."

"Okay, let's lie you down, alright?" I suggested, and she shook her head. Her eyes were hazy and confused, and her skin was so white and ghastly. I felt quite leery while stroking her hair, but she continued to shake her head.

"Hospital," She whispered through jagged breaths, "I need to go to the hospital." My eyes widened slightly, and I felt a certain pool of dread in my stomach. I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat. I quickly cleaned up the ceramic bowl and then drove her to the hospital, my hands shaking the entire way. 

Once we arrived, Irene stumbled into the place that I had grown to hate. Her arm was wrapped around my shoulder, and I helped her walk all the way up to the desk. I spoke fast and without caution, explaining what had happened with worry apparent in my voice. Fear seemed to control me at that moment, and I wanted nothing more but to wake up with a cold sweat and realize that it was just a nightmare. And in my bed, I'd be next to Irene, and she would calm me down and she would be okay.

Irene wasn't okay. Her pale face and empty eyes screamed that she was sick, and I shook my head when the nurses got out a mobile hospital bed and lied her down on it. I walked with them to her room while a piercing ringing in my ears seemed to scatter my mind even further. I knew what was happening.

The inevitable was happening.

The doctors talked to me with calm and tranquil voices, but I could barely comprehend what they were saying. My ears rang, my head was foggy, it felt like reality was a mirage and that I could tear right through it and jump into another dimension. I was in a state of dreaming, but I was awake and I knew exactly what was happening.

"She outlived her life expectancy." The doctor said, and I wanted to scream and cry. _This cannot be happening._ I continued to shake my head automatically, and I crashed to the ground and my hands gripped at my hair. 

_Get the fuck up,_ a voice in my head was telling me. It echoed throughout my head, the reverberation making the world in front of me spin. _Get up and be there for her, stop thinking of yourself,_ it continued to tell me. Without thinking, I sprung up off of the ground and quietly thanked the doctor. He left the room and I sat next to Irene in a leather chair. "Hey." She mumbled, and then the sobs began. 

"H-hey babe." I greeted, trying to stifle the cries that were devouring me. 

"Seulgi, please don't cry." Irene pleaded in a hoarse voice. Her eyes were wide and glossy as if a thick layer of fog had covered them. Her voice was like a small squeak, and I could just barely hear her. I squeezed my eyes shut and began to bring my tears to a halt. I opened them again and I saw Irene smiling at me, and I subconsciously reached for her hand. Her thumb stroked my palm, but her smile never faded.

Despite her dreary look, the sparkle in her brown irises never faded. I smiled back at her, hearing the soft beep of the machine keeping track of her heartbeat in the background. "I love you," I whispered weakly, "I will never stop loving you."

"I know..." Irene weakly grinned, her voice cracking. Her hands were sweaty and cold, and each time she closed her eyes the slower she opened them. The whole reality of the situation started to sink in after the hysteria dissipated. This was it, this was my last moment with her. My hands started shaking, and Irene hushed me and smiled weakly. The sparkle in her eyes did not once falter.

"We had everything...What happened?" I whispered, my voice weakening. 

"I don't know, Seulgi. Life is cruel sometimes..." Irene lamented. Silence hung in the air for a bit.

"I'm so sorry this happened to you," I consoled, feeling the urge to start wailing build up in my stomach.

"Don't be, Seul...I didn't want this to happen, believe me. But I'm ready for it, I'm ready for whatever is coming my way now. With you by my side, death doesn't feel so lonely anymore. I know we'll meet again someday, Seul." 

"Please, s-stop..." I cried, and Irene swallowed and squeezed my hand as tightly as she could. I didn't want her to die, I wasn't fucking ready for her to die. I continued to shake my head, taking weak and shallow breaths.

"For now, this is goodbye. But it isn't the end, Seulgi. Our love will last forever, even if I don't." Irene promised, and I continued to sob and tell her I loved her, begging her not to go.

"I love you." I wailed, and Irene just grinned.

"I love you too," Irene said as she detached her hand from mine and slid her ring off, placing it onto my hand, "and a time will come when you know you're ready to let go." Irene's breaths became shallow and slower, and the incessant beeping from the machine started to slow down.

"But what if I'm not ready?" I wailed, my hand shaking violently as I clasped the ring.

"You will be. And please know one more thing, although I was in pain toward the end, I was never suffering. Suffering is impossible when I'm with you." She admitted, and then the light in her eyes faded away, the machine elicited one final beep, and Irene took her final breath. 

-

Our ending wasn't the prettiest, nor the most beautiful. But it was undeniably us; it was the story of two teenagers falling in love and growing up together. It entailed who we were, and who we became to be. 

Today I woke up and then those words she said to me three years ago ringing in my head, and I knew I was ready. I looked down at my hand which still bared the beautiful diamond ring on it, and in the nightstand drawer next to her side of the bed her ring would be. I didn't exactly know what Irene wanted me to do with her ring, since it was always so hard to find out her intentions. But suddenly the reality of it became crystal clear, and I knew that she really wanted me to let go. 

I pondered the many things I could do with our rings, whether it be sell them or burn them to a crisp. But I don't think Irene's soul, which was floating endlessly waiting for mine to reach it would be too happy with that. I smiled slightly as I visualized Irene's frown, which was undeniably adorable and beautiful. She'd cross her arms and her bottom lip would jut out slightly, resembling a pout. The echo of a grin traced my lips, and I swore I could still remember every little detail of Irene's beautiful face.

And then it hit me; I didn't get sad while thinking about her. Sure, a twinge of nostalgia was present in my heart, but forlorn feelings were nowhere to be found. I lied sideways on my bed, facing her side which had remained vacant for three years. I would never even wake up on her side since it was rightfully hers. But today I rolled over to it, trying to feel the warmth I once felt from the short woman I had loved so much.

It didn't feel like Irene did, but there was a certain bittersweet serenity to it. I don't know how to exactly articulate it, but it's like finally being home after war. I have still seen so much, but I still made it home despite all of the pain I have endured. It was like a feeling of worth; that everything I had worked for paid off. 

I reached over to the drawer, and the ring lied in there by itself. I picked it up and put it on my finger, trying to see how it would feel. I got dressed which didn't take long since it was summer. 

I knew what I had to do after I stared at the rings for a bit more. 

-

I arrived at the fair within a few hours, since I wanted to wait until the crowd thinned out a bit. I paid whatever heinous amount the workers would ask me for to get a ticket, bitterly thinking how it was much cheaper when I worked there. 

I walked through the fair, which hasn't changed much since I've started to work there. The lights shone among the night sky like they always did. Teenagers and kids gleefully ran about, and them some other teenagers with much less gleeful faces would be working the booths.

I sighed, feeling the warm air against my flesh. I was always a skinny person, but never this skinny. These past three years I was hollowed out, I was a shell of a human being. I don't know why it took me so long to realize how Irene would have never wanted that for me. But, all that matters is that I finally figured it out.

I walked past the booth where I met the love of my life. It was like a movie of my memories played right in front of my eyes, where little pubescent me met the girl that would change my life. And then I saw us grow up together, then I saw me proposing. I wish that I could have seen us grow old together.

I smiled morosely and walked to the ferris wheel, fiddling with the rings on my finger all the way up. When it was my cart's turn to stay at the top, I unbuckled myself and opened the little gate, hearing the workers from below yell at me. I felt a gust of wind zip past me, and I smiled at the sudden adrenaline leaking into my veins. 

I knew I couldn't think about it anymore, so I just slipped the rings off of my fingers and threw them past the Ferris wheel, and to the beach that was ahead of it. I hoped the rings would be buried in the sand together, never once drifting apart.

I closed the gates and the yells halted, and I closed my eyes and felt peace. And then I remembered the glint in her eyes that didn't die out until the very end. "I love you, Irene," I murmured, "and even though I let you go, I will love you until the end of time."

I walked off the Ferris wheel and then immediately started to sprint when I got out of the line. I got past everybody, feeling my heartbeat quicken as I continued to run throughout the warm summer night. I finally arrived at my car and took one last longing look toward the fair I would never be returning to. 

I felt complete -- as if I had gotten the closure I needed. I stared at the night sky, hoping that Irene was somewhere looking back at me and smiling. I felt a tear slide down my cheek, remembering every single detail of Irene's face. I remembered us holding hands during these warm summer nights, I remember us talking about our dreams of having a family. We would have our own kids and a pet with a house in the suburbs. 

And even though it was night, I felt darkness leave the world around me. It was replaced with brightness and warmth. I drove away from the glimmering lights behind me and went all the way home. There was a certain vacancy I felt around my finger, but I knew I would grow accustomed to this life. I would get used to living without Irene, and I would finally learn to be happy without her too. Irene wouldn't be mad at me, she would be proud of me and the fact that I let go. But, just because I let go doesn't mean I'll forget the girl that was once my entire world. 

Although our ending may have been rather morose, I have no regrets.


End file.
